The Big Quiz

There are several variations of this joke. When I first heard it in early 2000, it involved former Nigerian president Olusegun Obasanjo, Nelson Mandela, Tony Blair and our former Senate President Chuba Okadigbo. Read this one and laugh your head out. The names have been adapted to suit current political climes. I found it on Facebook. I think it fits into the category of politically incorrect. 🙂

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While visiting the United States last year, President Umar Yar’adua of Nigeria was invited to have a drink with the president at the Oval Office. He asks President Bush what his leadership philosophy is, and he says that it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Yar’adua asks President Bush how he knows that his advisers are intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says President Bush. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

He picks up the phone, calls Mr. Colin Powell and says, “Mrs. Secretary of State. Please answer this question: Who is your parents’ son that is not your brother?”

Colin Powell responds, “It’s me, sir.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the President. He hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Yar’adua?”

“Yes, yes, Mr. Bush. I thank you very much. I will definitely be using that!”

Upon returning to Abuja, he decides to put the theory to test so he calls up his Attorney General, Mr. Aondoakaa and asks him to come to the State House. When they finally meet, he says:

“Alright Mr. Attorney General. Here is a test that might cost you your job.”

“What’s on your mind sir?”

“Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

The poor Attorney General stammers for a second and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” The president agrees, and Aondoakaa leaves. He then immediately calls a meeting of other senior cabinet members and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Aondoakaa calls Thabo Mbeki, the then president of South Africa, on the phone and explains his problem.

“Now look here Thabo, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?”

Mbeki answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”

Much relieved, Aondoakaa rushes back to the State House and exclaims,”I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Thabo Mbeki!”

And President Yar’adua yells back at him in disgust, “Come on man. You’re not smart at all. I’m going to have to lay you off. It’s Colin Powell!”

Jos!

“I am Nigerian, not a terrorist. I do not kill people that are not from other parts of my country.” – from Politically Incorrect (January 1st 2010)

When I served the country Nigeria in the mandatory one-year National Youth Service in a little village close to the city of Jos in 2005, the state still had as its motto “The Home of Peace and Tourism” even though there was always a shadow of violence looming in the corner and in every conversation. In September 2001, four years before I arrived there, there was one of the bloodiest bouts of violence between the Hausa-Fulani “settlers” and “indigenes” of the state and when the smoke cleared, there were over a thousand people dead, home and businesses destroyed. In a few months, things always returned to normalcy but there was always the shadow of looming violence. Nobody knew when it would raise its ugly head or what its trigger would be. But it was always there.

Read Jos, a city torn apart a report by the Human Rights Watch in 2001

In May 2004, a few months before I got my deployment papers to travel over 800km from my base to Plateau State, there was another bout of killings in Yelwa, the southern part of the state in which over 700 people died. There is a report of it here. In all of these cases, the failure of government has been the biggest cause of that much carnage. In all cases, the violence has spread and caused irreparable havoc before the agents of state showed up. And in some cases, when they eventually showed up, they took sides and went beyond their call and did some extra-judicial killings of their own. Of all the ills of a badly run government, the biggest most disappointing crime is to be found guilty of taking sides and complicating the already messed up situation and not bringing to justice the perpetrators of previous crimes.

While I was in Riyom, a short distance from the state capital of Jos, I lived in relative shelter from the political realities of the town, but only to the extent of actual violence that eventually took place in some other parts of the state even while I was there. I was not sheltered from the conversations and the anger. For many who lived in my parts of the state, the problem of the state was not only fuelled by religion, but also by a political and economic undertone. Who were the indigenes and who were the settlers. To most who had an opinion, the Hausa-Fulani cattle herders had come from the North to take over the land from the Plateau indigenes of a different tribe and way of life. Plateau state is one of Nigeria’s most linguistically and ethnically pluralized state, yet Hausa is a language spoken by all in addition to local languages. In Riyom where I lived, the language was Berom. Yet, they never saw themselves as Hausa-Fulani and always seemed to be fighting against a perceived dominance of the language and culture of the “settlers”.

In Nigeria today, this issue is sadly one of the biggest threats to survival. Not just religion, but a politics of ethnic domination, mistrust and well, ignorance/arrogance. And because of that, a lush area of the nation that could as well have laid claim to being the best place to live in the country because of its climate, history and people is entangled in a burning fire with over three hundred people dead, mostly women and children in a reprisal attack. In an ideal federation, there should never be a limit on where one wants to live, as long as one can respect the rules of the land which are fair and just. The religious dimension to this crises is just as unfortunate as it is saddening. Yet, THERE IS NO GOD IN THAT VIOLENCE! If He is, then it is high time we removed him from all affairs of state because this is not one of his best public statements of eternal goodness. The case in Plateau state as well as many other volatile regions in the country – including many in the south as well -is the distrust that comes from ethnic affiliations. When it becomes tied to economic and political survival, hell is let loose – especially in the absence of a moderating influence of a trusted agent of state.

Today, I am enraged like everyone else wondering how we got here and wondering where we go from this cycle of violence. More than prayers for the family of victims, we need a more responsible and responsive government just as much as we need better education for all. And as deterrent, all culprits in the killings must be brought to book, and to justice. If international intervention is needed, let us have it. Those who kill fellow citizens do not deserve to live among us if they deserve to live at all. There is nothing that should stop Hausa-Fulani cattle herders from living and prospering in Jos or in any part of Plateau State, and neither should there be a threat to the practice of Christianity, Islam or any religion by any indigene of the state. What we should fight against is the threat of domination or force. The sky is big enough for birds to fly, as the proverb says. For years religions have lived alongside each other without any threat of violence. What has changed? Yes, politicians and the elite have exploited the differences to their own advantages even at the expense of lives and property of innocent women and children. Well, enough is enough!

On March 16, there will be a rally of Nigerian youths to remind the government why it matters that things are done properly. I cannot attend, but will be there in spirit. For once, I wish I could suggest that the rally takes place in Jos Plateau rather than in Abuja, at least in solidarity with the forces of good. In my case, I do intend to go back to the state when I’m back in Nigeria. I still have friends there, many of whom I’m still in touch with. I will be going with a big camera and I intend to visit new places that I didn’t get to see in my first visit. It is not just a huge sense of loss and sadness that moves me so, it is also a sense of disappointment, and such a wasted chance of nationhood as exemplified by Jos, formerly “the home of peace and tourism.” What’s more, there are hundreds of Youths deployed to the state now on the mandatory National Youth Service whose life is being put on the line without adequate security. The last time there was a crisis of this proportion, at least one member of the Youth Corp was killed for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Shame! Shame! Well, that too has to change!

My last bout of this much outrage was at the Nigerian terrorist Umar Farouk, and it produced some deprecating politically-incorrect writings in which I had joked darkly: “I am a Nigerian, not a terrorist. I don’t kill people who are not from my part of the country.” Well, here is exactly what I meant at that time. And this is why the world at large needs to respond and direct attention to Jos, Nigeria NOW before it gets even more out of hand and we produce another international terrorist. The culture of impunity must stop and the killers be brought to book.

Read more on the news story on the BBC.

PS: Please never stop praying. And if you can, please send money to the Red Cross which is still organizing relief efforts for survivors and the wounded. It is a sad day for humanity. One more thing – for Nigerians in the United States, please badger the Western Union on Facebook and on Twitter until they make it free to send money from the United States to Jos during this trying period. They need to know how grave it is. They did it for Haiti, they did it for Chile. Now is the time to demand same for Jos which is as well a terrible humanitarian crisis situation. You can make requests by writing on the wall of their Facebook page, and sending a tweetline to make said request. Western Union has been known to respond to humanitarian needs around the world.

(Photos from the website of the Human Rights Watch and the Anglican Diocese of Jos. Warning: gruesome images!)

Politically Incorrect

I was not too surprised when I checked out the Facebook group created to denounce the Nigerian Terrorist today and found that from a meagre 700 members on Friday when I first blogged about it, there are now over 56,o00 members on the group. This is very nice, right?. Very impressive. It shows that we care about the implication of this unscrupulous scandal, or at least about our public image. It is not surprising. We are a patriotic people when something has to do with our image, most of the time. Right? Today on the BBC Focus on Africa, Mr Henry Omoregie, the creator of the group was interviewed for his perspective on the matter. In a matter of days, he has become the voice of “concerned Nigerians” eager to distance themselves from one unthinking act of an idiot. While speaking with my American friend, Chris, a few days after the incident, he told me how impressed he was by the Nigerian reaction. Few days after 9/11, he told me, there were televised celebrations of the event in some parts of Pakistan. Young men went to the streets jubilating that America was being attacked, he says. But in Nigeria, people are rising up to condemn the fool. It shows responsibility, or at least a form of liberality and freedom that is rare in other countries with a multi-religious population, he concludes, and I agree. That was until I heard in a line of comment on the same Facebook group that another Facebook group has been created titled “Free Umar Abdulmutallab. He is not a terrorist!”. I have not been able to find the group page so I am keeping my fingers crossed. But I won’t be surprised if such group now already exists. It’s still a matter of freedom of speech, I guess.

So now that Umar Abdulmutallab has got his fair share of vile from all “concerned Nigerians”, let us return to face the hard truths of the matter. We are not a nation of terrorists, but we have our own mammoth of problems which include poverty, drug trafficking, bad governments, militia unrest and financial crime, which are neither better than terrorism nor good for our global image as well. There are lots of things to do with my time now that the University’s resumption date is still over a week away, and the cold weather has confined the traveller to his now king-sized bed in a cozy Cougar Village apartment so I am discovering humour and satire, both as instruments of social transformation as well as personal coping device against inevitable idleness. Over the past couple of days, I have come up with a theme which would no doubt make some folks wince over there around the Niger river. But they are not just jokes. They are nuggets that should force a re-examination of the current state of the Nigerian polity.  Feel free to copy them if you dare, design them with Corel Draw and appropriate caricatures, paste them on your car or shirts, and share them with your Nigerian friends on Facebook. Include, if it makes you feel better, the texts: “KTravula.com’s Politically Incorrect”  or “KTravula.com’s Terror Humour“. This is for Nigeria.

After all, self-examination is really the best first cure for most anomalies.

Bumper Stickers You Will Never See

  • “I’m Nigerian, not a terrorist. I don’t kill people that’re not from another part of my country.”
  • “I‘m a Nigerian. I kidnap foreigners, but I don’t blow them up. That’s not my style!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I’m a 419 Internet Scam artist, not a terrorist. Don’t spoil my image!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I destroy oil pipelines, not airplanes.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. Whenever we blow ourselves, we are actually coming, not going.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I smuggle cocaine, heroine and weed in my pants. Not explosives!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I would kill and die for political positions, not for martyrdom.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I murder for tribe, and not for cause. I can never make a good terrorist!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. The only virgins I want are the ones I can marry, or make into mistresses.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I get my virgins before they head out to Italy. They’re not in Yemen, or Heaven.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. The only cause I support is the one that fills my tummy, not blow off my junk!”
  • “I can never blow myself (up) to save my life. I’m a Nigerian, and not a terrorist!”

There could be many more ways to make them more sarcastic, and if possible, more biting. The more acerbic, the better. Talk about subversive self-humour! I would recommend this beyond the usual cry for the head of Abdulmutallab which by now should be nearing its climax. When all is said and done, it is who we are that would matter as we return to our routine lives in the course of the coming weeks and months. What will stand the test of time? Do we move forward in some way or do we return to the inner inequalities and lesser evils that make this particular case just a case of the first among equals of evil?

NOTE: This post is meant to be throughly politically incorrect, so I would not be expecting nor accepting any pats on the back this time.