ktravula – a travelogue!

Politically Correct?

And so today after a lot of soul searching and repentance of past sins of unpatriotism, I am back with a new list of bumper stickers. This time, they will be nice and politically correct, for those who like to see the good and the positive. Now you have no more excuses for not making them up as banners or stickers and putting them on your cars, mugs, shirts, doors and fridges.

The current news, as dumb as it is is that Nigerians, along with other nationals “of interest” will now be subject to more more enhanced searches at airports. It’s dumb not only because it attacks the symptoms of a disease and not the diseases itself while casting the “doctor” in a very bad light in the sight of his patients and colleagues, but because it also seeks to create more enemies – or at least, less friends, inadvertently. The fact of the matter is that “enhanced” airport searches have never solved any problems. Never ever. It only humiliates the guests, and breeds mutual suspicion. Before this December incident, every passenger on American planes have had to remove their shoes, belts and jackets before boarding. The terrorist got wise up and took to using the underwear. If we’re asked to remove our underwears at airports now, the person determined to cause havok will simply think of new means to do so. What’s more, Nigeria has never been a state sponsor of terrorism, so what’s the point? If I were an Al-Qaeda strategist, I would be thinking like this today: this would be a very good time to shift attention off of Nigeria, Yemen and Pakistan to other poor countries of the world where we can recruit impressionable kids like Umar Muttalab for our next attack. Thankfully the new TSA requirements in the US does not include full body searches for those other countries at the moment. With any chance, we’ll get this one through, and take a few thousand lives. Duh! Why am I the only one thinking out of the box? Is it just because I’m from Nigeria, or because it’s true?

Now here are the bumper stickers you should see:

  • I am a Nigerian. I have words for “kill”, “maim” and “slaughter” in my local languages, but none for “terrorism” and “terrorist”, and none for “snow”. What does that tell you?
  • I’m a Nigerian, one of the happiest people in the world. Going to heaven now is the least of my aspirations.
  • I’m a Nigerian. I do not need to make a point with my life when Jesus has already done so.
  • I am a Nigerian. America needs not be afraid of me. I’m still trying to get her visa. (Thanks Yemi)
  • I’m a Nigerian and not a terrorist. I have other things to worry about.
  • I’m a Nigerian. If I can’t lay down my life for my country, why would I give it up for your militant God?

… among many others that, again, we can make up as we go along.

But the bumper stickers probably won’t make sense right now that in another dumb development, the country’s elected representatives have resolved to sever ties with the United States unless it takes the country’s name off the list of the United States’ top security watch list. What? They even gave an ultimatum. Talk of misplaced priorities. Talk of silliness in top government circles. Talk of pouring scarce fuel on an already open but unwanted fire. Whatever happened to silent, common-sense, underground diplomacy? Now, more than the Mutallab incident on Christmas day, this is one news item that makes me ashamed, not of my country, but of its leaders/rulers. And this comes just when I thought I could be optimistic for once. Shame!

Politically Correct? was published on January 6th, 2010, with the tags , , , , , , , under the News, Observations, Opinion category. There are currently 11 comments on this article so far.

Politically Incorrect

I was not too surprised when I checked out the Facebook group created to denounce the Nigerian Terrorist today and found that from a meagre 700 members on Friday when I first blogged about it, there are now over 56,o00 members on the group. This is very nice, right?. Very impressive. It shows that we care about the implication of this unscrupulous scandal, or at least about our public image. It is not surprising. We are a patriotic people when something has to do with our image, most of the time. Right? Today on the BBC Focus on Africa, Mr Henry Omoregie, the creator of the group was interviewed for his perspective on the matter. In a matter of days, he has become the voice of “concerned Nigerians” eager to distance themselves from one unthinking act of an idiot. While speaking with my American friend, Chris, a few days after the incident, he told me how impressed he was by the Nigerian reaction. Few days after 9/11, he told me, there were televised celebrations of the event in some parts of Pakistan. Young men went to the streets jubilating that America was being attacked, he says. But in Nigeria, people are rising up to condemn the fool. It shows responsibility, or at least a form of liberality and freedom that is rare in other countries with a multi-religious population, he concludes, and I agree. That was until I heard in a line of comment on the same Facebook group that another Facebook group has been created titled “Free Umar Abdulmutallab. He is not a terrorist!”. I have not been able to find the group page so I am keeping my fingers crossed. But I won’t be surprised if such group now already exists. It’s still a matter of freedom of speech, I guess.

So now that Umar Abdulmutallab has got his fair share of vile from all “concerned Nigerians”, let us return to face the hard truths of the matter. We are not a nation of terrorists, but we have our own mammoth of problems which include poverty, drug trafficking, bad governments, militia unrest and financial crime, which are neither better than terrorism nor good for our global image as well. There are lots of things to do with my time now that the University’s resumption date is still over a week away, and the cold weather has confined the traveller to his now king-sized bed in a cozy Cougar Village apartment so I am discovering humour and satire, both as instruments of social transformation as well as personal coping device against inevitable idleness. Over the past couple of days, I have come up with a theme which would no doubt make some folks wince over there around the Niger river. But they are not just jokes. They are nuggets that should force a re-examination of the current state of the Nigerian polity.  Feel free to copy them if you dare, design them with Corel Draw and appropriate caricatures, paste them on your car or shirts, and share them with your Nigerian friends on Facebook. Include, if it makes you feel better, the texts: “KTravula.com’s Politically Incorrect”  or “KTravula.com’s Terror Humour“. This is for Nigeria.

After all, self-examination is really the best first cure for most anomalies.

Bumper Stickers You Will Never See

  • “I’m Nigerian, not a terrorist. I don’t kill people that’re not from another part of my country.”
  • “I‘m a Nigerian. I kidnap foreigners, but I don’t blow them up. That’s not my style!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I’m a 419 Internet Scam artist, not a terrorist. Don’t spoil my image!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I destroy oil pipelines, not airplanes.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. Whenever we blow ourselves, we are actually coming, not going.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I smuggle cocaine, heroine and weed in my pants. Not explosives!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I would kill and die for political positions, not for martyrdom.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I murder for tribe, and not for cause. I can never make a good terrorist!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. The only virgins I want are the ones I can marry, or make into mistresses.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I get my virgins before they head out to Italy. They’re not in Yemen, or Heaven.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. The only cause I support is the one that fills my tummy, not blow off my junk!”
  • “I can never blow myself (up) to save my life. I’m a Nigerian, and not a terrorist!”

There could be many more ways to make them more sarcastic, and if possible, more biting. The more acerbic, the better. Talk about subversive self-humour! I would recommend this beyond the usual cry for the head of Abdulmutallab which by now should be nearing its climax. When all is said and done, it is who we are that would matter as we return to our routine lives in the course of the coming weeks and months. What will stand the test of time? Do we move forward in some way or do we return to the inner inequalities and lesser evils that make this particular case just a case of the first among equals of evil?

NOTE: This post is meant to be throughly politically incorrect, so I would not be expecting nor accepting any pats on the back this time.

Politically Incorrect was published on January 1st, 2010, with the tags , , , , , , , under the News, Opinion category. There are currently 11 comments on this article so far.

Terror Humour

As suggested by Yemi Adesanya

As the year winds up, here are the very many ways to laugh at the biggest news of the year’s end – the Nigerian guy who tried to blow himself on the plane – from the comments of people on the various news media. I mean, blow himself up on the plane, of course. He’s now called by the American media The Undie Bomber.

  • Great balls of fire! – A headline yesterday in the New York Post.
  • Came to Antioch library to check out the Koran. Then I realized that any Nigerian checkin out a Koran from a public library might be put on a list. So I checked out a James Patterson book instead. Echecrates-Enziga Emole‘s humour, culled from Facebook.
  • This decade began with Y2K and ended with WTF. From BorowitzReport’s Twitter
  • What better way to round out this scorched and shitty decade than to gaze thoughtfully into the charred, soiled underpants of a stranger. Culled from Xenijardin’s Twitter.
  • Fruit of the Boom. – From a comment on Huffington Post.
  • Northwest Airlines must be like, “Shit – for once we don’t overshoot the runway, and this happens.” – From BorowitzReport’s Twitter
  • Manchester United handled business today. Something tells me that Umar Farouk was an Arsenal fan. Going trophyless four to five seasons can lead a man into suicide bombing. No kidding. Echecrates-Enziga Emole‘s humour, culled from Facebook
  • Is that an explosive in your briefs or are you just glad to see me? – An online comment in response to the released pictures of the bomber’s briefs.
  • Tiger should tell these terrorists that having 72 girls is more trouble than it’s worth. – From BorowitzReport’s Twitter
  • Internet Scam emails from next year will now begin to read: “Dear Sir, My name is Omar Abdulmutallab, the twin brother of Umar who was captured in the US last year. He left in my account $400,000,000… etc.” – ktravula’s humour, culled from Facebook.
  • One thing that’s been lost in this whole incident is that the terrorist broke the no-smoking rule. – From BorowitzReport’s Twitter
  • CNN: Thank You Mr Ogundamisi. So can you confirm that the suspected terrorist is from Nigeria? Ogundamisi: No he is not from Nigeria he is from Katsina. Nigerian people don’t live in £4 million family homes in a choice part of London. CNN: But (Nigerian) President Yar’Adua is form Katsina? Ogundamisi: Nope! Yar’Adua …is… …from Jeddah close to Saudi Arabia. Nigerians go to General Hospitals. Leave me jare, I need Fuel! – Culled from the internet. I don’t know if this is from a real television interview, but it reads like something that could have taken place on the streets of Lagos, Warri or Port Harcourt.
  • The first time Al-Qaeda decides to embrace affirmative action and give a black man a chance at matyrdom, the guy goes and blows up his penis. This is the last time they trust a black guy to do the job right. Echecrates-Enziga Emole‘s humour, culled from Facebook

Laugh with me people, and add your own jokes below – original or culled. If you are reading this in America, do not send me emails telling me that the word humour has only one “u”. I’m from Nigeria, damn it. Playing with firecrackers is not our only peculiarity!

Terror Humour was published on December 30th, 2009, with the tags , , , under the Fun category. There are currently 8 comments on this article so far.

On That Nigerian Guy

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab is a 23 year old man from a comfortable home in Northern Nigeria who attends a university in the United Kingdom. He’s now notorious for trying to denotate an explosive device on a plane. I have tried not to talk about him before now, but who am I kidding? It’s in the news on every station and the word “Nigeria” pops up every time. Even on twitter, the words “Nigeria” and “Nigerians” have now become trending topics. By now we know that his father is a Nigerian banker who had warned the US about three weeks ago about his son’s suspicious affiliations. Well, three weeks ago, the US was busy debating the Tiger Woods story to pay attention to an errant Nigerian…

On a more serious note, that idiot from Katsina state has given the rest of us a bad name, as if we didn’t have enough troubles of our own already. Think of how many people are now subject to more restrictions because of a foolish act by one unthinking idiot. I’m happy that I am not travelling to anywhere soon, but I don’t envy those who are, and who are from Nigeria. I’m disgusted enough with having to remove my shoes, jacket, sweater, and even belt every time I try to board a plane. Now, they’d probably want to search my anus as well for firecrackers since I’m from a country whose name is now popping up now and then beside the word “terrorism”. For many Americans, it must be hard to see us in any other light now, except the people from whose country the terrorist came from. On the bright side, this takes the shine of “Nigerian Internet Scam”, if only for a minute. Heck, it even takes the shine off the death of South Africa’s anti-apatheid writer, Dennis Brutus, who died on the 26th December. Very sad indeed. (Update: another Nigerian passenger was arrested today Sunday the 27th because he spent one hour in the airplane bathroom on a similar flight, and was “verbally disruptive” – read Nigerian “uppity” – when questioned.)

Since the story broke, I’ve been trying to look on the bright side, trying to find the laughable side to it. Yesterday, I started looking for verses in Nostradamus’s predictions that mentioned “Nigerian”, “Christmas” and “terrorism” in the same sentence. No luck. I hope that soon, my search engine will come up with something I could use. For now, my hope is that if or when the suspected “Nigerian terrorist” is eventually convicted, he will be taken straight to Guantanamo to have a taste of the American countryside he so desperately desires. He can do with himself over there whatever he wants. Only for his sake, I will be petitioning the President Obama to keep open that detention facility indefinitely. We do not want the fool in any prison in Illinois like the president is planning for other Guantanamo inmates, and I’m pretty sure that they do not want him in Nigeria any time soon as well. Don’t take my word for it, check out this Facebook Group that has been set up primarily to throw the disgraceful Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab under the bus, virtually, since – the horror of horrors – we are not able to do it physically.

At age 23, I was struggling to get a University degree rather than of playing around with explosive firecrackers. At age 23, I’d never even been on a plane before. Well, there’s a lot you can do if you’re a spoilt kid with a privileged background. Who cares for common sense when you can easily and effortlessly disgrace your family and country with one thoughtless act of jackassery in a foreign country?

On That Nigerian Guy was published on December 27th, 2009, with the tags , , , , , , , , under the Opinion, Soliloquy category. There are currently 24 comments on this article so far.