ktravula – a travelogue!

On the Origin Of Names (IV)

I came upon an interesting realization today that the Yoruba cultural system has solved for the world long before now, one of the most pressing issues of predestination. I should preface this, perhaps, with a disclosure that my undergraduate university project was called The Multimedia Dictionary of Yoruba Names. I have been fascinated with the concept of naming and the thinking processes that go into them since a very long time. According to the Yoruba belief system, a child is named usually with a view in his/her potentials as well as the conditions surrounding his birth. Read more here.

The Western world, however, is a different case entirely, depending on a totally arbitrary system of child-naming. Not only is there no special day when the name of the child is declared to the world, it is perfectly acceptable to call someone Lemon or Bush, or Focker, Iron or Stone. I mean, what were the parents thinking? A few months ago, Congressman Anthony Weiner became a news item not just for what he did wrong, but for how his name had not served as a warning to anyone around him since he was a kid. A last comment on strange associations will go to the strangeness of calling people who practise same sex associations fruits. I’ve never understood why this is the case, but when CNN’s first openly gay man happens to bear the name of a real fruit, it makes one take a second look at serendipity. (No slight intended here, seriously).

I do not want to cheapen this subject so I’ll stop here. But let’s hear what George Carlin has to say: “Soft names make soft people. I’ll bet you anything, that ten times out of ten, (guys named) Nicky, Vinnie, and Tony would beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker.” I return to Yoruba roots where everything has already been patiently explained. Ile la n wo k’a to so omo loruko. A name is not just a name. A rose called by any other name might not always smell as sweet, so if you are naming one, be careful not to name it after a killer bee or a poisonous cantaloupe.

(The three previous precursors to this post are also worth checking out. Check the “related post” section down below.)

On the Origin Of Names (IV) was published on October 3rd, 2011, with the tags , , , , , under the Observations, Soliloquy category. There are currently 4 comments on this article so far.

Politically Incorrect

I was not too surprised when I checked out the Facebook group created to denounce the Nigerian Terrorist today and found that from a meagre 700 members on Friday when I first blogged about it, there are now over 56,o00 members on the group. This is very nice, right?. Very impressive. It shows that we care about the implication of this unscrupulous scandal, or at least about our public image. It is not surprising. We are a patriotic people when something has to do with our image, most of the time. Right? Today on the BBC Focus on Africa, Mr Henry Omoregie, the creator of the group was interviewed for his perspective on the matter. In a matter of days, he has become the voice of “concerned Nigerians” eager to distance themselves from one unthinking act of an idiot. While speaking with my American friend, Chris, a few days after the incident, he told me how impressed he was by the Nigerian reaction. Few days after 9/11, he told me, there were televised celebrations of the event in some parts of Pakistan. Young men went to the streets jubilating that America was being attacked, he says. But in Nigeria, people are rising up to condemn the fool. It shows responsibility, or at least a form of liberality and freedom that is rare in other countries with a multi-religious population, he concludes, and I agree. That was until I heard in a line of comment on the same Facebook group that another Facebook group has been created titled “Free Umar Abdulmutallab. He is not a terrorist!”. I have not been able to find the group page so I am keeping my fingers crossed. But I won’t be surprised if such group now already exists. It’s still a matter of freedom of speech, I guess.

So now that Umar Abdulmutallab has got his fair share of vile from all “concerned Nigerians”, let us return to face the hard truths of the matter. We are not a nation of terrorists, but we have our own mammoth of problems which include poverty, drug trafficking, bad governments, militia unrest and financial crime, which are neither better than terrorism nor good for our global image as well. There are lots of things to do with my time now that the University’s resumption date is still over a week away, and the cold weather has confined the traveller to his now king-sized bed in a cozy Cougar Village apartment so I am discovering humour and satire, both as instruments of social transformation as well as personal coping device against inevitable idleness. Over the past couple of days, I have come up with a theme which would no doubt make some folks wince over there around the Niger river. But they are not just jokes. They are nuggets that should force a re-examination of the current state of the Nigerian polity.  Feel free to copy them if you dare, design them with Corel Draw and appropriate caricatures, paste them on your car or shirts, and share them with your Nigerian friends on Facebook. Include, if it makes you feel better, the texts: “KTravula.com’s Politically Incorrect”  or “KTravula.com’s Terror Humour“. This is for Nigeria.

After all, self-examination is really the best first cure for most anomalies.

Bumper Stickers You Will Never See

  • “I’m Nigerian, not a terrorist. I don’t kill people that’re not from another part of my country.”
  • “I‘m a Nigerian. I kidnap foreigners, but I don’t blow them up. That’s not my style!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I’m a 419 Internet Scam artist, not a terrorist. Don’t spoil my image!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I destroy oil pipelines, not airplanes.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. Whenever we blow ourselves, we are actually coming, not going.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I smuggle cocaine, heroine and weed in my pants. Not explosives!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I would kill and die for political positions, not for martyrdom.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I murder for tribe, and not for cause. I can never make a good terrorist!”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. The only virgins I want are the ones I can marry, or make into mistresses.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. I get my virgins before they head out to Italy. They’re not in Yemen, or Heaven.”
  • “I’m a Nigerian. The only cause I support is the one that fills my tummy, not blow off my junk!”
  • “I can never blow myself (up) to save my life. I’m a Nigerian, and not a terrorist!”

There could be many more ways to make them more sarcastic, and if possible, more biting. The more acerbic, the better. Talk about subversive self-humour! I would recommend this beyond the usual cry for the head of Abdulmutallab which by now should be nearing its climax. When all is said and done, it is who we are that would matter as we return to our routine lives in the course of the coming weeks and months. What will stand the test of time? Do we move forward in some way or do we return to the inner inequalities and lesser evils that make this particular case just a case of the first among equals of evil?

NOTE: This post is meant to be throughly politically incorrect, so I would not be expecting nor accepting any pats on the back this time.

Politically Incorrect was published on January 1st, 2010, with the tags , , , , , , , under the News, Opinion category. There are currently 11 comments on this article so far.

Terror Humour

As suggested by Yemi Adesanya

As the year winds up, here are the very many ways to laugh at the biggest news of the year’s end – the Nigerian guy who tried to blow himself on the plane – from the comments of people on the various news media. I mean, blow himself up on the plane, of course. He’s now called by the American media The Undie Bomber.

  • Great balls of fire! – A headline yesterday in the New York Post.
  • Came to Antioch library to check out the Koran. Then I realized that any Nigerian checkin out a Koran from a public library might be put on a list. So I checked out a James Patterson book instead. Echecrates-Enziga Emole‘s humour, culled from Facebook.
  • This decade began with Y2K and ended with WTF. From BorowitzReport’s Twitter
  • What better way to round out this scorched and shitty decade than to gaze thoughtfully into the charred, soiled underpants of a stranger. Culled from Xenijardin’s Twitter.
  • Fruit of the Boom. – From a comment on Huffington Post.
  • Northwest Airlines must be like, “Shit – for once we don’t overshoot the runway, and this happens.” – From BorowitzReport’s Twitter
  • Manchester United handled business today. Something tells me that Umar Farouk was an Arsenal fan. Going trophyless four to five seasons can lead a man into suicide bombing. No kidding. Echecrates-Enziga Emole‘s humour, culled from Facebook
  • Is that an explosive in your briefs or are you just glad to see me? – An online comment in response to the released pictures of the bomber’s briefs.
  • Tiger should tell these terrorists that having 72 girls is more trouble than it’s worth. – From BorowitzReport’s Twitter
  • Internet Scam emails from next year will now begin to read: “Dear Sir, My name is Omar Abdulmutallab, the twin brother of Umar who was captured in the US last year. He left in my account $400,000,000… etc.” – ktravula’s humour, culled from Facebook.
  • One thing that’s been lost in this whole incident is that the terrorist broke the no-smoking rule. – From BorowitzReport’s Twitter
  • CNN: Thank You Mr Ogundamisi. So can you confirm that the suspected terrorist is from Nigeria? Ogundamisi: No he is not from Nigeria he is from Katsina. Nigerian people don’t live in £4 million family homes in a choice part of London. CNN: But (Nigerian) President Yar’Adua is form Katsina? Ogundamisi: Nope! Yar’Adua …is… …from Jeddah close to Saudi Arabia. Nigerians go to General Hospitals. Leave me jare, I need Fuel! – Culled from the internet. I don’t know if this is from a real television interview, but it reads like something that could have taken place on the streets of Lagos, Warri or Port Harcourt.
  • The first time Al-Qaeda decides to embrace affirmative action and give a black man a chance at matyrdom, the guy goes and blows up his penis. This is the last time they trust a black guy to do the job right. Echecrates-Enziga Emole‘s humour, culled from Facebook

Laugh with me people, and add your own jokes below – original or culled. If you are reading this in America, do not send me emails telling me that the word humour has only one “u”. I’m from Nigeria, damn it. Playing with firecrackers is not our only peculiarity!

Terror Humour was published on December 30th, 2009, with the tags , , , under the Fun category. There are currently 8 comments on this article so far.