ktravula – a travelogue!

Summer is Over. Is It?

I’ve never seen summer. I’ve seen spring, along with beautiful green leaves all around an equally beautiful campus. I have seen winter, and snow whitening the land as if to prove a certain point to all foreign-born residents. I’ve seen fall, with leaves brown and restless, flowing with the cooling wind. But summer? No. What on earth is it?

Is it like hell, with an absolutely unbearable temperature which keeps people mostly indoors and all public parks free of visitors? Or is it like the oven? Is it like Kano, the reputed July heat that causes meningitis or just like a milder version of the microwave. Do the leaves shrivel? Do they sway? Are they beautiful or are they grey?

I’m not here to write poetry, so tell me what it looks like. Did I miss anything in my absence from the scene of action? Well I left that place in the middle of May just when the almighty summer was supposed to have begun. If I return there now, what will I find? Fall, no doubt. Summer would have escaped from my grasp once again. What did I miss?

The highest temperature here was around 29 degrees Celcius. That would be like 84 in America. There was this rumour that temperature in America was up to 90 in some places. Oh my, that would be like the temperature in Maiduguri on a regular afternoon. That means that my American friends could actually come and spend their summer in Nigeria. Go figure. Much of this country is actually cooler than 29 during this period. And it rains too. Oh, the rains! I should be glad I’m here.

Alright, I will return to that place, but not until the famed summer is over. Is it, yet? I like Fall. I like brown leaves that remind me of the leaf covers of eko and moin-moin made by old women in Ibadan villages. I like the way they look in photographs too. Who wants a hot summer when they can spend cool raining seasons in Ibadan, Lagos, and all over Nigeria eating spicy food, playing uncle, buying fuel in jerry cans, making day and night calls, killing mosquitos and generally playing he traveller?

And by the way, when I return to the States, let no one ask me how I spent my summer. I did not. You did.

Blasts From The Past

Here are seven more favourite posts from the past. Enjoy

Connecting with a Certain Past (2) (September 8, 2009)

Is Oyinbo a Derogatory Word? (August 27, 2009)

And there Was (No) Light! (August 17, 2009)

A Short Foodlist of Ps (August 28, 2009)

10 Reasons Why Cougar Village is a Village (August 31, 2009)

10 Reasons Why Cougar Village is NOT a Village (August 31, 2009)

Culture Shock (February 10, 2010)

Politically Correct?

And so today after a lot of soul searching and repentance of past sins of unpatriotism, I am back with a new list of bumper stickers. This time, they will be nice and politically correct, for those who like to see the good and the positive. Now you have no more excuses for not making them up as banners or stickers and putting them on your cars, mugs, shirts, doors and fridges.

The current news, as dumb as it is is that Nigerians, along with other nationals “of interest” will now be subject to more more enhanced searches at airports. It’s dumb not only because it attacks the symptoms of a disease and not the diseases itself while casting the “doctor” in a very bad light in the sight of his patients and colleagues, but because it also seeks to create more enemies – or at least, less friends, inadvertently. The fact of the matter is that “enhanced” airport searches have never solved any problems. Never ever. It only humiliates the guests, and breeds mutual suspicion. Before this December incident, every passenger on American planes have had to remove their shoes, belts and jackets before boarding. The terrorist got wise up and took to using the underwear. If we’re asked to remove our underwears at airports now, the person determined to cause havok will simply think of new means to do so. What’s more, Nigeria has never been a state sponsor of terrorism, so what’s the point? If I were an Al-Qaeda strategist, I would be thinking like this today: this would be a very good time to shift attention off of Nigeria, Yemen and Pakistan to other poor countries of the world where we can recruit impressionable kids like Umar Muttalab for our next attack. Thankfully the new TSA requirements in the US does not include full body searches for those other countries at the moment. With any chance, we’ll get this one through, and take a few thousand lives. Duh! Why am I the only one thinking out of the box? Is it just because I’m from Nigeria, or because it’s true?

Now here are the bumper stickers you should see:

I am a Nigerian. I have words for “kill”, “maim” and “slaughter” in my local languages, but none for “terrorism” and “terrorist”, and none for “snow”. What does that tell you?
I’m a Nigerian, one of the happiest people in the world. Going to heaven now is the least of my aspirations.
I’m a Nigerian. I do not need to make a point with my life when Jesus has already done so.
I am a Nigerian. America needs not be afraid of me. I’m still trying to get her visa. (Thanks Yemi)
I’m a Nigerian and not a terrorist. I have other things to worry about.
I’m a Nigerian. If I can’t lay down my life for my country, why would I give it up for your militant God?

… among many others that, again, we can make up as we go along.

But the bumper stickers probably won’t make sense right now that in another dumb development, the country’s elected representatives have resolved to sever ties with the United States unless it takes the country’s name off the list of the United States’ top security watch list. What? They even gave an ultimatum. Talk of misplaced priorities. Talk of silliness in top government circles. Talk of pouring scarce fuel on an already open but unwanted fire. Whatever happened to silent, common-sense, underground diplomacy? Now, more than the Mutallab incident on Christmas day, this is one news item that makes me ashamed, not of my country, but of its leaders/rulers. And this comes just when I thought I could be optimistic for once. Shame!

Politically Incorrect

I was not too surprised when I checked out the Facebook group created to denounce the Nigerian Terrorist today and found that from a meagre 700 members on Friday when I first blogged about it, there are now over 56,o00 members on the group. This is very nice, right?. Very impressive. It shows that we care about the implication of this unscrupulous scandal, or at least about our public image. It is not surprising. We are a patriotic people when something has to do with our image, most of the time. Right? Today on the BBC Focus on Africa, Mr Henry Omoregie, the creator of the group was interviewed for his perspective on the matter. In a matter of days, he has become the voice of “concerned Nigerians” eager to distance themselves from one unthinking act of an idiot. While speaking with my American friend, Chris, a few days after the incident, he told me how impressed he was by the Nigerian reaction. Few days after 9/11, he told me, there were televised celebrations of the event in some parts of Pakistan. Young men went to the streets jubilating that America was being attacked, he says. But in Nigeria, people are rising up to condemn the fool. It shows responsibility, or at least a form of liberality and freedom that is rare in other countries with a multi-religious population, he concludes, and I agree. That was until I heard in a line of comment on the same Facebook group that another Facebook group has been created titled “Free Umar Abdulmutallab. He is not a terrorist!”. I have not been able to find the group page so I am keeping my fingers crossed. But I won’t be surprised if such group now already exists. It’s still a matter of freedom of speech, I guess.

So now that Umar Abdulmutallab has got his fair share of vile from all “concerned Nigerians”, let us return to face the hard truths of the matter. We are not a nation of terrorists, but we have our own mammoth of problems which include poverty, drug trafficking, bad governments, militia unrest and financial crime, which are neither better than terrorism nor good for our global image as well. There are lots of things to do with my time now that the University’s resumption date is still over a week away, and the cold weather has confined the traveller to his now king-sized bed in a cozy Cougar Village apartment so I am discovering humour and satire, both as instruments of social transformation as well as personal coping device against inevitable idleness. Over the past couple of days, I have come up with a theme which would no doubt make some folks wince over there around the Niger river. But they are not just jokes. They are nuggets that should force a re-examination of the current state of the Nigerian polity. Feel free to copy them if you dare, design them with Corel Draw and appropriate caricatures, paste them on your car or shirts, and share them with your Nigerian friends on Facebook. Include, if it makes you feel better, the texts: “KTravula.com’s Politically Incorrect” or “KTravula.com’s Terror Humour“. This is for Nigeria.

After all, self-examination is really the best first cure for most anomalies.

Bumper Stickers You Will Never See

“I’m Nigerian, not a terrorist. I don’t kill people that’re not from another part of my country.”
“I‘m a Nigerian. I kidnap foreigners, but I don’t blow them up. That’s not my style!”
“I’m a Nigerian. I’m a 419 Internet Scam artist, not a terrorist. Don’t spoil my image!”
“I’m a Nigerian. I destroy oil pipelines, not airplanes.”
“I’m a Nigerian. Whenever we blow ourselves, we are actually coming, not going.”
“I’m a Nigerian. I smuggle cocaine, heroine and weed in my pants. Not explosives!”
“I’m a Nigerian. I would kill and die for political positions, not for martyrdom.”
“I’m a Nigerian. I murder for tribe, and not for cause. I can never make a good terrorist!”
“I’m a Nigerian. The only virgins I want are the ones I can marry, or make into mistresses.”
“I’m a Nigerian. I get my virgins before they head out to Italy. They’re not in Yemen, or Heaven.”
“I’m a Nigerian. The only cause I support is the one that fills my tummy, not blow off my junk!”
“I can never blow myself (up) to save my life. I’m a Nigerian, and not a terrorist!”

There could be many more ways to make them more sarcastic, and if possible, more biting. The more acerbic, the better. Talk about subversive self-humour! I would recommend this beyond the usual cry for the head of Abdulmutallab which by now should be nearing its climax. When all is said and done, it is who we are that would matter as we return to our routine lives in the course of the coming weeks and months. What will stand the test of time? Do we move forward in some way or do we return to the inner inequalities and lesser evils that make this particular case just a case of the first among equals of evil?

NOTE: This post is meant to be throughly politically incorrect, so I would not be expecting nor accepting any pats on the back this time.

America Tonight

It’s just the rustling leaves on the ground – the gentle breeze

that blows. It’s the glow of lights around the evening trees.

It’s the smiles in her joyful eyes, the love that I see around.

It’s the warm nudge, a subtle touch of flesh, or a gentle sound.

I felt it tonight, within hopes on the faces I see wherever I look.

Graceful laughs under branches, and falling rain around the brook.

I smell it in the cold night air, brown like the leaves of autumn’s rust

I touch it in hugs of fleece, wondrous wool, fabric mufflers of trust.

It’s in the sound of music, softened in bits of sweet tingling taste.

It’s in the rustling of leaves on the ground – a season of deathly waste.

It’s America tonight, Midwest, in the folds of a gradually freezing host:

I stand with words as shield, the less squelching shawls I know the most.

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