ktravula – a travelogue!

reflections on the world

An American in England

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

“You must mean the lift,” he said.

“No,” the American responded. “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.”

“Well,” the portiere answered, “over here we call them lifts”.

“Now you listen”, the American said rather irritated, “someone in America invented the elevator.”

“Oh, right you are sir,” the portiere said in a polite tone, “but someone here in England invented the language.”

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An American in England was published on February 25th, 2010, with the tags , , , , under the Fun category. There are currently 4 comments on this article so far.

Ten Weird/Unexplainable Stuff

10. The reason for waking up at 3am every day for more than a week, without reason.

9. The tenacity of over a dozen bees that ran after me on the first day I wore cologne out of my room.

8. The absence of rats/rodents in Edwardsville.

7. The unpredictability of the Midwestern weather.

6. The concept of infinity.

5. My reason for writing poems.

4. The incredibly delicious taste of anything I cook.

3. The power of names. *

2. Laws of attraction.

1. The workings of a computer, or any other electronic gadget.

* The Vice-President of Nigeria (now the acting president in the absence of the sick Mr. Yar’adua), aptly named Goodluck had always been lucky in every second-best position he had ever occupied, prompting a now common joke now that if the best man at your wedding is named Goodluck, you would be better off just cancelling the wedding.

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Ten Weird/Unexplainable Stuff was published on February 13th, 2010, with the tags , , under the Art, Fun, Observations, Soliloquy category. There are currently 1 comment on this article so far.

Four Languages

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries.

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

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Four Languages was published on January 19th, 2010, with the tags , , , under the Uncategorized category. There are currently 4 comments on this article so far.

A Cartoon

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A Cartoon was published on January 9th, 2010, with the tags , , under the Art, Fun category. There are currently 2 comments on this article so far.

For Laughs

“Barking as a Second Language”

Seen on the door into the Department of Foreign Languages where I work. I found it funny.

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For Laughs was published on December 26th, 2009, with the tags , , , , , under the Art, Fun, Observations category. There are currently 3 comments on this article so far.

The Continuing Story of Mary & Joseph: “It’s A Boy”

MARY: Joe, we’re gonna have a baby.
JOE: What? That’s impossible. All I ever do is put it between your thighs.
MARY: Well, I don’t know. Something must’ve gone wrong.
JOE: Who says you’re pregnant?
MARY: An angel appeared to me in the backyard and said so.
JOE: An angel?
MARY: An angel of God. His name was Gabriel. He had a trumpet and he appeared to me in the backyard.
JOE: He what?
MARY: He appeared to me.
JOE: Was he naked?
MARY: No. I think he had on a raincoat. I don’t really know. He was glowing so brightly.
JOE: Mary, you’re under a lot of stress. Why don’t you take a few days off from the shop? The accounts can wait.
MARY: I’m telling you, Joe. This Angel Gabriel said that God wanted me to have this baby.
JOE: Did you ask for some sort of sign?
MARY: Of course I did. He said tomorrow I’d start getting sick.
JOE: But why should God want a kid?
MARY: Well, Gabriel said that according to Luke it’s kind of an ego thing. Plus, he promised the Jews a long time ago, it’s just that he never got around to it. But now he feels ready for children he doesn’t want to just make them out of clay or dust. He wants to get humans involved.
JOE: Well, is he going to help toward raising the kid? God knows we can’t do it alone. I could use a bigger shop, and maybe he could throw a couple of those nice crucifix contracts my way. The Romans are nailin’ up everything that walks.
MARY: Honey, Gabriel said not to worry. The kid would be a real winner. A public speaker and good with miracles.
JOE: Well, that’s a relief. Anyway, now that your officially pregnant I cant start puttin’ it inside you.
MARY: I’m sorry, honey. God wants it to be strictly a virgin birth.
JOE: I don’t get it.
MARY: That’s right, Joe.
JOE: Don’t I get to do anything?
MARY: He wants you to come up with a name for the kid.
JOE: Jesus Christ!
MARY: Don’t curse, Joe!

END

Culled from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops, New York Times Bestseller by George Carlin.

NOTE: Those familiar with the original text will notice that I have changed the last line, the words from Mary, for effect. You may head here where I got the online text from to see the original text and decide which you prefer. I have thought long and hard before deciding on this as the ktravula post of the day. By some luck, somebody somewhere might find it funny without wishing brimstone on my head. Have a Merry Christmas.

(Photo taken at the Nativity play by children at the Episcopalian Church at Edwardsville on Sunday)

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The Continuing Story of Mary & Joseph: “It’s A Boy” was published on December 23rd, 2009, with the tags , , , , , under the Art, Fun category. There are currently 10 comments on this article so far.

A Conversation

Man: I’ve been thinking…

I’m the man of this house, so starting tomorrow I want to have a hot, delicious meal ready for me the second I walk through that door…

Afterwards, while watching ESPN and relaxing in my chair, you’ll bring me slippers and then run my bath…

And when I’m done with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?

Woman: The funeral director!

A joke seen on one of the office doors in my department.

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A Conversation was published on October 22nd, 2009, with the tags , , under the Art, Fun, Observations category. There are currently no comments on this article so far.

How I Became An American

I had gone with Chris to the game centre within the Student’s Centre in the University to while away the time, and have fun  on some of the game consoles present there. Considering that we had written a class test two days earlier which had sapped all our efforts and energy, the lecturer had given us Wednesday free of class so we felt that we deserved some quality play time which we could spend doing the things we usually won’t get the time to do. In the Gaming Centre were table tennis tables, a bowling alley, plenty billiard boards and a few computer-based games, each requiring an amount of dollars to play.

But in the end, we did not end up having that much time to spare after all since he had to go to another class later in the evening, but for the little time we had, we touched and played everything except bowling which I’d never considered an intelligent form of recreation. When we played pool, I defeated him on all three games, and when we played ping-pong, I defeated him on the only one game we played. But when we got on the computer car racing game, he whooped my butt real nice every one of the three times we played. It was during one of those instances of complete hypnotism  and game-cum-dopamin-induced excitement with the speed tracks of the computer game that Chris looked at me and remarked: “You’re becoming American”.  And the reason for such a remark was that I had used the words “shit”, “(mother)fucking” and “son-of-a-bitch” one time too many during the intensive race, while lamenting how slow my computer-appointed Chevrolet seemed to be moving.

There is no punch-line to end this one.

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How I Became An American was published on October 15th, 2009, with the tags , , , under the Fun, Observations, Soliloquy category. There are currently 10 comments on this article so far.

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