reflections on the world
A joke.
A man walked into the produce (foodstuff) section of a supermarket in Port Harcourt, Nigeria, and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about his request.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “One idiot wan buy half head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “but this Oga here don kindly agree to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier today, we like people who think on their feet here”. “Where are you from, son?”
“Warri, sir.” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Warri?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Oga, nothing dey there apart from ashawo* and footballers”.
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Warri.”
“Really?” replied the boy. “Which club she been dey play for?
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Culled.
*ashawo = Prostitutes
It’s the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up to the Cougar Lake to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
“Jesus, can’t you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?” So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake….and falls knee deep in water.
Moses says, “Well….maybe you need a head start or something, why not go to the end of the dock and try.”
So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and falls up to his waist.
Moses says, ” Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the lake and try there.”
So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about to step off and try again when…
Moses says, “Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state of mind you were in the first time you did it.”
So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he’s all psyched up, and steps out of the canoe…. ..and precedes to drown. So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat.
Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn’t see what’s going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat.
Suddenly, Moses says, “I got it! I know what’s wrong! Did you have those holes in your feet last time?!?!”
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Culled
This is a rather late update since the month began, I realize. Please forgive. I’ve been shuttling between towns and responsibilities. But June is already here, what are we going to do about it? We can sit and watch it go by as it will inevitably do, or we can sieze each day and make it count? I’ll personally go for the former. Gotcha, I bet you didn’t see that one coming! :D
I cut my hair today, and I’m looking fresh. And young. Gone are the grown bushes of Edwardsville on and around my head. I’m now a good looking man with tufts of beard in the right places. When the wind blows, I feel the waft of peace drive by around my head. Ha, lest I forget, I cut my hair for the equivalent of $2. Back in my “barber’s shop” in Edwardsville, we’re talking $15, and that’s without a complimentary lunch. Take that, barber’s shop!
Did you hear of the joke of a man who walks into a barber’s salon and looks through the list on the wall? The list read: Haircut= 200 naira, Shaving= 100 naira, Waves= 500 naira etc. So when the barber looks at him finally and asks: how do you want your haircut? The poor man looks again at the list, then at his pocket. Then holding out only a hundred naira note, he responds: “Barber, I’d like you to shave my head!”
What I intend to this month is to travel. Yes, you heard right. So get prepared. The traveller is coming to a town, city, village or hamlet near you with a knapsack bag an ipod and a little camera. It’s time for some adventure. Have a wonderful month.
dedicated to the University of Ibadan staff club…
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I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else…
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew thecork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink.
I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
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Culled.
Photo used by permission.
There are several variations of this joke. When I first heard it in early 2000, it involved former Nigerian president Olusegun Obasanjo, Nelson Mandela, Tony Blair and our former Senate President Chuba Okadigbo. Read this one and laugh your head out. The names have been adapted to suit current political climes. I found it on Facebook. I think it fits into the category of politically incorrect. 
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While visiting the United States last year, President Umar Yar’adua of Nigeria was invited to have a drink with the president at the Oval Office. He asks President Bush what his leadership philosophy is, and he says that it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Yar’adua asks President Bush how he knows that his advisers are intelligent.
“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says President Bush. ”Allow me to demonstrate.”
He picks up the phone, calls Mr. Colin Powell and says, “Mrs. Secretary of State. Please answer this question: Who is your parents’ son that is not your brother?”
Colin Powell responds, “It’s me, sir.”
“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the President. He hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Yar’adua?”
“Yes, yes, Mr. Bush. I thank you very much. I will definitely be using that!”
Upon returning to Abuja, he decides to put the theory to test so he calls up his Attorney General, Mr. Aondoakaa and asks him to come to the State House. When they finally meet, he says:
“Alright Mr. Attorney General. Here is a test that might cost you your job.”
“What’s on your mind sir?”
“Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
The poor Attorney General stammers for a second and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” The president agrees, and Aondoakaa leaves. He then immediately calls a meeting of other senior cabinet members and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Aondoakaa calls Thabo Mbeki, the then president of South Africa, on the phone and explains his problem.
“Now look here Thabo, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?”
Mbeki answers immediately, ”It’s me, of course.”
Much relieved, Aondoakaa rushes back to the State House and exclaims,”I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Thabo Mbeki!”
And President Yar’adua yells back at him in disgust, “Come on man. You’re not smart at all. I’m going to have to lay you off. It’s Colin Powell!”
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.
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Happy Easter everyone.
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